Intimacy in the Fourth Trimester: How New Parents Keep the Romance Alive
Image via Pexels
Welcoming a child is among the most joyous times in a couple's relationship. It's also one of the hardest.
Many young couples are struggling to adapt to parenthood. Having a baby comes with a lot of new responsibilities and routines, not to mention hormonal swings and sleepless nights. It's normal for couples to put the baby first during this initial phase. However, when the relationship takes a back seat for too long, connection gives way to conflict, hurt feelings, and lost emotional intimacy.
How can couples stay close despite the stresses of new parenthood? You might not have the time or energy you enjoyed pre-baby, but there are lots of small ways couples can maintain connection during the transition to parenthood. Birth and Beyond presents a few ideas worth exploring.
Do small things often
The art of doing small things often has been called the golden rule of relationships. What does it mean to do small things often? Simple gestures like this take minimal effort but have a big impact on your connection.
● Rituals when leaving or returning home.
● Expressing fondness and appreciation.
● Daily stress-reducing conversations (even if brief).
● Holding hands or cuddling.
● Eating meals together.
● Sending flirtatious text messages.
● Exercising and engaging in hobbies together.
● Respecting your partner’s boundaries.
Responding to bids for connection is equally important as giving them. When your partner reaches out for conversation, affection, intimacy, or emotional support, recognize and reciprocate the request rather than turning away. In the same breath, make sure to respect each other’s physical and emotional boundaries because this is an act of intimacy within itself.
Speak each other's love language
Bids for connection are prone to misinterpretation when you're not speaking your partner's love language. The five love languages popularized by author Gary Chapman include:
Words of affirmation.
Acts of service.
Receiving gifts.
Quality time.
Physical touch.
Most people express love in the way they prefer to receive it. However, that leads to mixed messages when partners don't share a love language. Now more than ever, it's important to know your partner's love language and speak it.
Many new birthing parents report feeling “touched out” postpartum, not to mention the six-week pause (at minimum) on sexual intimacy. This poses a challenge for expressing love through physical touch, but it is very easy to get creative! In the fourth trimester, focus on non-sexual physical connections like massages, hand-holding, and gentle touches. Non-physical body language is another powerful way to create a physical connection.
Schedule time for intimacy
You may have laughed at the idea of scheduled sex before becoming parents. However, there's a reason every expert recommends putting intimacy on the calendar. Spontaneity is hard to come by when you're managing a family and a career. Scheduling sex ensures couples actually make time for one other, when you’re both ready of course!
Scheduled intimacy may feel awkward at first. Don’t put it off until it “feels right.” Make an effort to get in the mood for intimacy and stay present. You don’t have to don lingerie, but putting on a flirty nightgown that flatters for your postpartum body and turning on a soft, sensual playlist goes further than you think.
Intercourse isn't necessary for scheduled sex to be effective. Whether it's still too soon after childbirth or sexual desire simply isn't there, you can keep intimacy alive with other forms of romance. Kissing, cuddling, massages, and showering or bathing together are a few ways couples can be intimate without having sex. Romantic games are another excellent way to build trust and intimacy during the transition to parenthood.
Early parenthood probably won't be the most passionate time in your relationship, and that's OK. Your goal as a couple isn’t to maintain fiery passion even while body-feeding around the clock. What matters most right now is connection, intimacy, and support. When couples make time for those, they develop a bond that sustains their relationship through all of life’s trials and tribulations.
Birth and Beyond provides birth and postpartum support and placenta services, as well as workshops and education. To learn more, please fill out our contact form.
Blog post courtesy of Josh Moore at Diaper Dads.